So after being on the job hunt for a full time work from home position I’ve made the decision today that in order to fulfill my career dreams I will have to move down to NYC in search of a full time in-house position. Yep, I’m moving to NYC. Queen or Brooklyn to be exact. I’m quite excited. I wish it was sooner, but the search for a place won’t officially start until April of 2008, and I should be moved by the end of May. My current lease runs out June 1st, so I will at least be fulfilling that out, unless I find a spectacular rental in the city and a job sooner. My landlord probably would be pretty flexible about breaking the lease.

Not only does the excitment of moving somewhere new, somewhere bigger, somewhere where there are just millions of opportunities entice me, but also leaving behind the small town, small mind drama. Finally breaking away. I’ve lived in or near the same small town (actually a village) for my entire life. I know every single person in this town young and old, and I know many, many people from the neighboring areas.

So it’s time for me, Ms.Pris, Ace and Izzy (oh yeh and P too!) to make the long haul down to NYC and start anew!

Posted: December 17th, 2007 under the move.
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So bright and early first thing in the morning P and I get into a fight. Terrrrrific. Just the way I want to start my day.

I’d say it was my fault if it were any other day in the past year, but now that I’ve got a backbone I blame this one solely on him. See, P has a problem. There are many addictions in the world, the most popular ones that come to mind are gambling, drugs and sex. And there are some like smoking, caffiene, and gaming.  P is addicted to lying. P lies so much that I think he believes half the lies he tells and the other half just pour out of his mouth unstoppable like the water flowing over Niagara Falls.

So anyway, P and I have “started over” despite the constant financial and emotional hell he had put me through over the past year. I told him I would try to help him get out of his compulsion to lie and his depression and anxiety if he got counseling and really tried to stop lying. Or if he did lie to come to me at a later date to apologize and set things right.

So yesterday I caught him in a lie, and for some reason I didn’t bring it up at the moment the lie came out of his mouth. It wasn’t a big lie. It was a lie that didn’t even matter one bit. But you see that is the problem. If you let him lie about something tiny, it will be easier for him to lie over something larger. Much like if you let a ex-coke addict take one snort of blow it will be easier for them the next time to snort 2-3 lines and eventually fall back into their old habits.

So this morning I emailed him after I got up and addressed the tiny lie. I expected him to be combative and angry because who wants their lie exposed, no matter what it is? Obviously the reason he lies is to cover up some flaws he has or doesn’t want people to know about, so my pulling the mask off left him naked and angry. And of course that turns into him attacking me for “always looking for a problem”. Yes, because I so enjoy fighting with P I constantly look for problems. Not.

So I’m doing my part in working on this addiction he has. And maybe he is trying, maybe he is not. But despite the pain and heartache it brings me to constantly have the tables turned on me, even though I’m innocent, I made a promise to stick by him and help him get better.

But can someone get better from a 34 year addiction? I don’t know whether I should walk away “Intervention” style telling him he loses me and our son until he gets help, or if I should be plugging along pointing out every lie while he goes to therapy and wait for the lies to dwindle?

I’d ask P what his opinion is, but he’d just lie.

Posted: December 17th, 2007 under P, compulsive lying.
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So, as of tomorrow I’m officially putting myself on a diet and exercise plan. As of yesterday at 2 months post-partum I weight 165lbs. I want to drop about 20-30lbs. I know my biggest issue is the need to exercise every day (or as often as possible) and I need to lay off the sugar. A lot.

I drink about 2-3 cans of soda a day, and eat one full meal (usually dinner). I snack on and off, depending on the day. Today I was bad, I had probably 5 home made chocolate chip cookies, 3 cans of soda, chicken and rice with veggies for dinner.

Tommorrow I will start by cutting down to only 2 cans of soda to begin, and NO snacking unless it’s the oranges I bought. I will continue to eat one full meal a day for dinner. No junk food, the only sugar from soda.

My exercise plan will consist of crunches, girly pushups, lunges, squats, leg lifts and either doing an on-demand cardio workout or using my total gym.

So tommorrow begins day 1! According to fitday.com I need to loose 2.76lbs a week to reach my goal of 135lbs by March 1st, 2008!

Posted: December 16th, 2007 under diet.
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I swear to whomever that my life is a damn soap opera. I really can’t say anything more than that. The last month of my life could have very well been a years worth of Days of Our Lives episodes. First my boyfriend starts fucking up, big time. A years worth of bullshit blows up one night when I’m drunk on a bottle of Bicardi Limon. I finally clear my chest over the big issues that are bothering me, like the year of compulsive lies. The fucking up with money. The irritation of not helping with anything. The fucking jail time. Everything. So I cut him off. We’re done.

Fast forward an awkward week of living together. Not knowing what to say or do. Trying to stay friends, but keep distance. Of course his fucking up doesn’t stop. Ending one Friday ago I catch him calling another chick. Yep, we weren’t “together”, although he made a promise to me to get himself better and NOT talk to any other girls so we could eventually work things out and get our family back together. So as he rushes out the door for a night out with the boys, I check his phone calls online for his cell phone, where of course I find some mysterious numbers. Which I internally battle on whether or not I should call. The battle to call wins and I find a chick on the other end. In fact a chick he used to work with back in Februray who he swore to me was a fat lazy piece of shit he hated. HMMMMM. So yep, I ruin his night out by blowing up his phone and telling him he promised to be faithful to me, and go to counseling for his lying and depression which in turn gets me angrier so I pack up his stuff, leave it by the front door and tell him not to come home, as I’m getting more and more drunk on tequila and peppermint schnapps.

So he really doesn’t come home, spending the night at his friend C’s house. I call him in the morning and he comes home and we have another “heart-to-heart”. I go out that night, where I play referee to my best friend and HER man basically fist fighting the whole night, while also trying to get my drink on at the bar. Good thing my phone died or else my boyfriend would have been blowing it up all night

So the following day after my boyfriend (herein refered to as P) picks me up and takes me back home is spent recouping from no sleep and possibly a slight hangover. By the end of that day we decide to truly work things out, were we will officially be back together, he goes to his counseling and I continue to clock him.

Oh, and now I’m in a mini fight with my brother’s girl. Yay. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. :X

Posted: December 16th, 2007 under soap opera.
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I had the weirdest dream this morning. My ex and my current boyfriend and our families all lived in the same huge house. And for some reason at one point I was downstairs (which if you went through a room, or out a door turned into some sort of shopping center) looking to talk to my ex, but he was too quick and went back upstairs, where I found him in bed with my current boyfriend. Not like that! But they were both laying in my bed and my youngest son was in his crib nearby and when I went in I was obviously confused.

These two men hate each other. Not just the normal you’re-my-ex-girlfriend’s-first-real-love/you’re-my-girl’s-ex-and-I’m-jealous-of-you hate. At one point my ex tried to put a restraining order on my current boyfriend due to a verbal argument that got heated. So you can see why I would be a little… perplexed to find the two so close together hanging out.

I can’t remember what I said, by I’m sure it was something along the lines of “what the fuck is going on?” And I don’t remember the response, but even as disturbed as I was I took the response and left, mosied down the hall to my ex’s room. Where my other two children were sleeping quietly, and I had the opportunity to pilfer through his things. I didn’t find anything but eventually he came into the room. I started laughing because he was wearing a yellow fleece vest and numerous rings on his fingers. In reality these are items he wouldn’t wear. He’s a bit of a redneck. His wardrobe consists of Air pants and sweaters/t-shirts. So I questioned him about it, especially the one that was sliver with a round top that said “I love you” in purple on a white background. Well, questioned isn’t correct. I ridiculed him and asked him if it was from his current girlfriend (who thankfully was absent from the dream). I don’t think I got a response.

And than we talked about money. And that was it. Hmmmmmm.

I’m wondering what it means that I found the two in bed together. Is it my mind comparing the two on the many similarities? Is my mind telling me the two are basically the same, even though they go about things in very different ways? Am I telling myself to leave the two of them behind and move on?

Posted: November 28th, 2007 under dreams.
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