I hate myself some days.  I continue to fall in the same patterns over and over again with P. I can spot when he is uncomfortable (fake yawns!) or lying a mile away (rubs tongue on teeth or cheek and nods head with mouth open), but instead of opening my big mouth (which I have no problem doing this with anyone else!) and calling him out, I just avoid the drama and let it go. And it’s just the stupidest little things. I can’t even recall half of the little incidences of lies because they are so trivial there is no reason to even lie in the first place.

And then there are the things that might be lies, but I can’t tell if it is a lie or not. Like Friday P came home and told me his boss had given him a GPS nav device for Christmas. So I was like, well, why? He already got you a card and $40 bucks worth of Lotto tickets on Thursday, Dec. 23rd. P says that his boss “got it for Christmas, but he already has navigation things built into his cars”. Hmmm. That just doesn’t add up to me. Who gave his boss the GPS?  I mean, this thing is like a $200 item. Who spends that much on a person that isn’t a husband or wife? And I know his wife couldn’t have gotten it for him because obviously she would already know he had nav in his vehicles. So where the hell did the GPS come from? Who really gave it to him? Or where did P buy it from? And how did he buy it? Did he buy it from the dealership and they auto took it out of his check?  And how do I find out the truth? What if his boss really gave it to him and I grill him and make him feel like shit, when he is finally telling the truth? What if my overzealous questoning pushes him back away and he says “screw it” and goes back to lying again?

This is the problem that I don’t think we are going to ever get over. P can’t help but lie. He is a 100% compulsive liar. He lies when there is nothing to lie about. He lies when he does wrong. He lies when he does right! No matter what the situation is, a lie will surface. Maybe something a little as the color of the shirt he was wearing or where he bought it from to as big as what he was doing when he left work or who he called on his cell phone. I trust him to an extent, but with so many lies around it’s hard to wade through what is real and what is altered. And why should I have to? I mean of course I love him and want to help him and want only the best for him, but why have I made it my responsibility to be a human lie detector? And what good am I doing anyone by not pointing out the little lies? Yes, I’m avoiding drama, but how is that helping?

I’m not delusional. I know that my little methods and encouragement and understanding isn’t going to automatically change a 34 year old behavioral pattern. I know he needs professional help, which he will get once his insurance kicks in, but until then (and even after) how in the world does one cope when they can’t tell if the one person they are supposed to love unconditionally and trust is telling them the truth about what they had for lunch??

Posted: December 31st, 2007 under P, compulsive lying.
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So, the move may be commencing earlier than planned! I can’t say I’m not ready or excited!

I’m planning to start commuting mid-Jan or the beginning of Feb down to the city to work full time and  start generating that cash and make sure I like what I’m doing. The commute will be long (probably will have to get up and get dressed by 5:30am get to the train by 6:20 and into the city by a little after 7am or close to than repeat the commute in reverse for the way home. It will be WELL worth it.

I tell you if I had the money and a job today I would be in the city right this minute.

Tommorrow night is P’s Christmas Party for work. We have to leave our house at about 5pm to drop the kids off at grandma’s than get to the dealership by 6pm. Than a little “pre-game” at the dealership (a cooler filled with Mojitos!) and Patron than it’s off to Rockland for the actual party where there will be an open bar, lots of food and music. Yay. I had to promise P not to get TOO sloshed in front of his boss. Hehehe. We will see how that goes!

Posted: December 19th, 2007 under P, the move.
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So bright and early first thing in the morning P and I get into a fight. Terrrrrific. Just the way I want to start my day.

I’d say it was my fault if it were any other day in the past year, but now that I’ve got a backbone I blame this one solely on him. See, P has a problem. There are many addictions in the world, the most popular ones that come to mind are gambling, drugs and sex. And there are some like smoking, caffiene, and gaming.  P is addicted to lying. P lies so much that I think he believes half the lies he tells and the other half just pour out of his mouth unstoppable like the water flowing over Niagara Falls.

So anyway, P and I have “started over” despite the constant financial and emotional hell he had put me through over the past year. I told him I would try to help him get out of his compulsion to lie and his depression and anxiety if he got counseling and really tried to stop lying. Or if he did lie to come to me at a later date to apologize and set things right.

So yesterday I caught him in a lie, and for some reason I didn’t bring it up at the moment the lie came out of his mouth. It wasn’t a big lie. It was a lie that didn’t even matter one bit. But you see that is the problem. If you let him lie about something tiny, it will be easier for him to lie over something larger. Much like if you let a ex-coke addict take one snort of blow it will be easier for them the next time to snort 2-3 lines and eventually fall back into their old habits.

So this morning I emailed him after I got up and addressed the tiny lie. I expected him to be combative and angry because who wants their lie exposed, no matter what it is? Obviously the reason he lies is to cover up some flaws he has or doesn’t want people to know about, so my pulling the mask off left him naked and angry. And of course that turns into him attacking me for “always looking for a problem”. Yes, because I so enjoy fighting with P I constantly look for problems. Not.

So I’m doing my part in working on this addiction he has. And maybe he is trying, maybe he is not. But despite the pain and heartache it brings me to constantly have the tables turned on me, even though I’m innocent, I made a promise to stick by him and help him get better.

But can someone get better from a 34 year addiction? I don’t know whether I should walk away “Intervention” style telling him he loses me and our son until he gets help, or if I should be plugging along pointing out every lie while he goes to therapy and wait for the lies to dwindle?

I’d ask P what his opinion is, but he’d just lie.

Posted: December 17th, 2007 under P, compulsive lying.
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