Wishing everyone a very happy new year and hoping the best for everyone in this brand new year!

Posted: December 31st, 2007 under random.
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I hate myself some days.  I continue to fall in the same patterns over and over again with P. I can spot when he is uncomfortable (fake yawns!) or lying a mile away (rubs tongue on teeth or cheek and nods head with mouth open), but instead of opening my big mouth (which I have no problem doing this with anyone else!) and calling him out, I just avoid the drama and let it go. And it’s just the stupidest little things. I can’t even recall half of the little incidences of lies because they are so trivial there is no reason to even lie in the first place.

And then there are the things that might be lies, but I can’t tell if it is a lie or not. Like Friday P came home and told me his boss had given him a GPS nav device for Christmas. So I was like, well, why? He already got you a card and $40 bucks worth of Lotto tickets on Thursday, Dec. 23rd. P says that his boss “got it for Christmas, but he already has navigation things built into his cars”. Hmmm. That just doesn’t add up to me. Who gave his boss the GPS?  I mean, this thing is like a $200 item. Who spends that much on a person that isn’t a husband or wife? And I know his wife couldn’t have gotten it for him because obviously she would already know he had nav in his vehicles. So where the hell did the GPS come from? Who really gave it to him? Or where did P buy it from? And how did he buy it? Did he buy it from the dealership and they auto took it out of his check?  And how do I find out the truth? What if his boss really gave it to him and I grill him and make him feel like shit, when he is finally telling the truth? What if my overzealous questoning pushes him back away and he says “screw it” and goes back to lying again?

This is the problem that I don’t think we are going to ever get over. P can’t help but lie. He is a 100% compulsive liar. He lies when there is nothing to lie about. He lies when he does wrong. He lies when he does right! No matter what the situation is, a lie will surface. Maybe something a little as the color of the shirt he was wearing or where he bought it from to as big as what he was doing when he left work or who he called on his cell phone. I trust him to an extent, but with so many lies around it’s hard to wade through what is real and what is altered. And why should I have to? I mean of course I love him and want to help him and want only the best for him, but why have I made it my responsibility to be a human lie detector? And what good am I doing anyone by not pointing out the little lies? Yes, I’m avoiding drama, but how is that helping?

I’m not delusional. I know that my little methods and encouragement and understanding isn’t going to automatically change a 34 year old behavioral pattern. I know he needs professional help, which he will get once his insurance kicks in, but until then (and even after) how in the world does one cope when they can’t tell if the one person they are supposed to love unconditionally and trust is telling them the truth about what they had for lunch??

Posted: December 31st, 2007 under P, compulsive lying.
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I dropped the bomb of moving and getting a job in Manhattan to my mother this past weekend to my mother, who was not very happy about it. At all. I’ve never met someone so unsupportive of change in my life.

And of course, when I told her the plan, she had to throw out the question “Why did you have kids then?”. Let me back up a bit. Ace and Ms.Pris and my children with my ex. Right now we share custody completely split, pretty much rotating who has the kids every five days. Except during his five days from 8-4 I have my daughter when my son is in school. So I pretty much have Ms.Pris everyday and Ace when he doesn’t have school. Moving to the city will alter this arrangement. Ace attends school up here, and Ms.Pris will start preschool in September. I’m not going to rip my son out of school in the middle of the year. So when I move to Queens, my son and daughter will be staying up her Monday through Friday. Friday after school I will be picking them up and they will be spending Friday nights to Sunday nights with me. I will get them on most holidays and for most of the summer. Izzy will be in daycare in the city. My mother thinks I am abandoning Ace and Ms.Pris, which of course I am not. If I thought it would be better I would take them with me. But, I think for now this would be the best course of action. If I took them Ace would be in school everyday, than in daycare until 5/6pm. Izzy and Ms.Pris would be in daycare from 8/9 until 5/6pm. That’s not fair to them, especially when they can spend the whole day with their father. Anyway, I don’t need to justify that to anyone, because as the kids get older they will choose who they want to live with for the most part, and what kid wouldn’t want to live in NYC? Where there is an endless possibility of things to do any day, any time?

So, to answer the question - why did I have kids? I had Mason because it was the right thing to do. I was 18 years old, didn’t know any better, but made a mistake and took care of my responsibility. I had Winter because I was in a stable relationship, Mason was going to be four and I wanted to complete my family. I didn’t know that a few months later everything would be shattered because of some very, very poor decisions made on the part of my ex. Isaiah was another sweet surprise, but a great one. I would never give up any of my kids nor do I regret any decisions I have made. I love my kids, and by moving to NYC, making good money I will only be providing all three of my kids AND myself a better life.

In the end I’m sad that my mother is so set in her mindset that the woman needs to be home with the kids and career is a four letter word, but I’m not going to let the feelings and assumptions of others keep ME from achieving MY goals that will make a better life for MY kids.

Posted: December 26th, 2007 under my mother, the move.
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I think that this is maybe even more controversial than the whole Britney melodrama. Everyone in the world is in agreement over Britney’s inability to function as a human and most even believe the judge should be harder on her regarding her children, but no one saw this coming - sweet little underage sister knocked up at sixteen.

There are so many things flying around about the shocking news, from people wondering how she could have been so stupid, to those wondering why she decided to keep the baby and announce it, to people supporting her 100%.

And of course people are playing the blame game, blaming Britney and Jamie Lynn’s mother, Lynn, blaming Britney for being a terrible role model and blaming the whole of Hollywood for corrupting the youth of Hollywood.

I don’t blame Lynn Spears one bit, and I feel sorry for her that because of her two irresponsible children her parenting book has been placed on the shelf indefinitely. Yes, maybe the children needed a better or stronger parent figure in their lives, but ultimately when a child reaches a certain age a mother can’t do anything about the choices the child makes. Believe me, I was a terrible teenager, and I still suck as a daughter sometimes, but it’s not my mother’s fault that by the age of 24 I decided to have three kids, I decided to get into relationships that weren’t good for me, or I decided to move out at age 16. Could all of our mothers have done something better? Absolutely. Can they have given us a better foundation to make decisions in our lives? Of course! But ultimately by the age of 16 and older a person’s life is in their own hands. By that age you are able to make your own decisions. You can work, you can date, you can drive! A person is more than able to know right from wrong without someone blaming their mother.

As for the blame being placed on Britney, I can understand that as she is “big sister” and probably a bigger influence on her siblings than her parents, but again Jamie Lynn and any other 16 year old teenage parent out there ultimately has made their own decision. I wonder a bit if Jamie Lynn is keeping the baby to show that her family really isn’t irresponsible baby endangering trash. I also think that Nickelodeon’s response to the whole situation is quite nice:

We respect Jamie Lynn’s decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn’s well being.

I think that was a classy and responsible way to deal with it. Nick doesn’t have to worry about filming any more Zoey 101 episodes either (that’s the television series Jamie Lynn was the star of) as they have already finished filming the fourth and final season.

As for blaming Hollywood? I completely disagree. Yes, it’s a hard go. Yes, there are tempters at every corner. Yes, I’m sure the glam life is just a lot for a young person to handle, but again it’s no one’s fault but Jamie Lynn’s and her boyfriends for choosing not to use protection and choosing to keep the baby.

I wish the whole family the best, I really do, even though Britney Spears annoying the SHIT out of me. But that’s a whole ‘nother story about how I can’t believe a mother of two sweet boys could even bear to be apart from them, and instead of working towards rectifying the situation by complying with the court and Kevin Federline to no end, she just digs herself in deeper and deeper. Reminds me of a episode of Intervention I watched over the weekend about a meth-head mom who couldn’t stop smoking the drug so she could get visitations and possibly custody of her daughter again one day. She would be all tore up over it for one minute than score some ice and be completely uncaring the next - running out to party. Kinda sounds like Ms. Spears!

Posted: December 19th, 2007 under entertainment.
Comments: 1

So, the move may be commencing earlier than planned! I can’t say I’m not ready or excited!

I’m planning to start commuting mid-Jan or the beginning of Feb down to the city to work full time and  start generating that cash and make sure I like what I’m doing. The commute will be long (probably will have to get up and get dressed by 5:30am get to the train by 6:20 and into the city by a little after 7am or close to than repeat the commute in reverse for the way home. It will be WELL worth it.

I tell you if I had the money and a job today I would be in the city right this minute.

Tommorrow night is P’s Christmas Party for work. We have to leave our house at about 5pm to drop the kids off at grandma’s than get to the dealership by 6pm. Than a little “pre-game” at the dealership (a cooler filled with Mojitos!) and Patron than it’s off to Rockland for the actual party where there will be an open bar, lots of food and music. Yay. I had to promise P not to get TOO sloshed in front of his boss. Hehehe. We will see how that goes!

Posted: December 19th, 2007 under P, the move.
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and it gets me nowhere. The ex, father of Ms.Pris and Ace, now owes me $550 to pay for my kids clothing. He has missed 2 payments (every 3 months I’m supposed to get $250 for clothes) and owes me $50 on the last payment he gave me. So I’m collecting. Today. My kids need nice outfits for Christmas, my daughter needs new snow boots and my son is growing so fast I can barely find a pair of pants that fits him.

And I haven’t been bugging him for the money because I thought I’d be nice in case he was in a bind for money. But than I realize how crazy that is when I am flat broke, Christmas is around the corner and my kids are suffering.

Posted: December 18th, 2007 under the ex.
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So after being on the job hunt for a full time work from home position I’ve made the decision today that in order to fulfill my career dreams I will have to move down to NYC in search of a full time in-house position. Yep, I’m moving to NYC. Queen or Brooklyn to be exact. I’m quite excited. I wish it was sooner, but the search for a place won’t officially start until April of 2008, and I should be moved by the end of May. My current lease runs out June 1st, so I will at least be fulfilling that out, unless I find a spectacular rental in the city and a job sooner. My landlord probably would be pretty flexible about breaking the lease.

Not only does the excitment of moving somewhere new, somewhere bigger, somewhere where there are just millions of opportunities entice me, but also leaving behind the small town, small mind drama. Finally breaking away. I’ve lived in or near the same small town (actually a village) for my entire life. I know every single person in this town young and old, and I know many, many people from the neighboring areas.

So it’s time for me, Ms.Pris, Ace and Izzy (oh yeh and P too!) to make the long haul down to NYC and start anew!

Posted: December 17th, 2007 under the move.
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So bright and early first thing in the morning P and I get into a fight. Terrrrrific. Just the way I want to start my day.

I’d say it was my fault if it were any other day in the past year, but now that I’ve got a backbone I blame this one solely on him. See, P has a problem. There are many addictions in the world, the most popular ones that come to mind are gambling, drugs and sex. And there are some like smoking, caffiene, and gaming.  P is addicted to lying. P lies so much that I think he believes half the lies he tells and the other half just pour out of his mouth unstoppable like the water flowing over Niagara Falls.

So anyway, P and I have “started over” despite the constant financial and emotional hell he had put me through over the past year. I told him I would try to help him get out of his compulsion to lie and his depression and anxiety if he got counseling and really tried to stop lying. Or if he did lie to come to me at a later date to apologize and set things right.

So yesterday I caught him in a lie, and for some reason I didn’t bring it up at the moment the lie came out of his mouth. It wasn’t a big lie. It was a lie that didn’t even matter one bit. But you see that is the problem. If you let him lie about something tiny, it will be easier for him to lie over something larger. Much like if you let a ex-coke addict take one snort of blow it will be easier for them the next time to snort 2-3 lines and eventually fall back into their old habits.

So this morning I emailed him after I got up and addressed the tiny lie. I expected him to be combative and angry because who wants their lie exposed, no matter what it is? Obviously the reason he lies is to cover up some flaws he has or doesn’t want people to know about, so my pulling the mask off left him naked and angry. And of course that turns into him attacking me for “always looking for a problem”. Yes, because I so enjoy fighting with P I constantly look for problems. Not.

So I’m doing my part in working on this addiction he has. And maybe he is trying, maybe he is not. But despite the pain and heartache it brings me to constantly have the tables turned on me, even though I’m innocent, I made a promise to stick by him and help him get better.

But can someone get better from a 34 year addiction? I don’t know whether I should walk away “Intervention” style telling him he loses me and our son until he gets help, or if I should be plugging along pointing out every lie while he goes to therapy and wait for the lies to dwindle?

I’d ask P what his opinion is, but he’d just lie.

Posted: December 17th, 2007 under P, compulsive lying.
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So, as of tomorrow I’m officially putting myself on a diet and exercise plan. As of yesterday at 2 months post-partum I weight 165lbs. I want to drop about 20-30lbs. I know my biggest issue is the need to exercise every day (or as often as possible) and I need to lay off the sugar. A lot.

I drink about 2-3 cans of soda a day, and eat one full meal (usually dinner). I snack on and off, depending on the day. Today I was bad, I had probably 5 home made chocolate chip cookies, 3 cans of soda, chicken and rice with veggies for dinner.

Tommorrow I will start by cutting down to only 2 cans of soda to begin, and NO snacking unless it’s the oranges I bought. I will continue to eat one full meal a day for dinner. No junk food, the only sugar from soda.

My exercise plan will consist of crunches, girly pushups, lunges, squats, leg lifts and either doing an on-demand cardio workout or using my total gym.

So tommorrow begins day 1! According to fitday.com I need to loose 2.76lbs a week to reach my goal of 135lbs by March 1st, 2008!

Posted: December 16th, 2007 under diet.
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I swear to whomever that my life is a damn soap opera. I really can’t say anything more than that. The last month of my life could have very well been a years worth of Days of Our Lives episodes. First my boyfriend starts fucking up, big time. A years worth of bullshit blows up one night when I’m drunk on a bottle of Bicardi Limon. I finally clear my chest over the big issues that are bothering me, like the year of compulsive lies. The fucking up with money. The irritation of not helping with anything. The fucking jail time. Everything. So I cut him off. We’re done.

Fast forward an awkward week of living together. Not knowing what to say or do. Trying to stay friends, but keep distance. Of course his fucking up doesn’t stop. Ending one Friday ago I catch him calling another chick. Yep, we weren’t “together”, although he made a promise to me to get himself better and NOT talk to any other girls so we could eventually work things out and get our family back together. So as he rushes out the door for a night out with the boys, I check his phone calls online for his cell phone, where of course I find some mysterious numbers. Which I internally battle on whether or not I should call. The battle to call wins and I find a chick on the other end. In fact a chick he used to work with back in Februray who he swore to me was a fat lazy piece of shit he hated. HMMMMM. So yep, I ruin his night out by blowing up his phone and telling him he promised to be faithful to me, and go to counseling for his lying and depression which in turn gets me angrier so I pack up his stuff, leave it by the front door and tell him not to come home, as I’m getting more and more drunk on tequila and peppermint schnapps.

So he really doesn’t come home, spending the night at his friend C’s house. I call him in the morning and he comes home and we have another “heart-to-heart”. I go out that night, where I play referee to my best friend and HER man basically fist fighting the whole night, while also trying to get my drink on at the bar. Good thing my phone died or else my boyfriend would have been blowing it up all night

So the following day after my boyfriend (herein refered to as P) picks me up and takes me back home is spent recouping from no sleep and possibly a slight hangover. By the end of that day we decide to truly work things out, were we will officially be back together, he goes to his counseling and I continue to clock him.

Oh, and now I’m in a mini fight with my brother’s girl. Yay. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. :X

Posted: December 16th, 2007 under soap opera.
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